A Missourian Actor's Inspirations and Experiences.

No Sugar Tonight For Me

I dropped the ball tonight. I knew time was with me, I knew the stakes were all lined up, but instead of shooting towards what I wanted I let the ball fall and bounce away. Now while I sit in my car with work in 6 hours, all I can think about is that moment.

I should sleep but my dick is pissed and I can’t blame it. It’s been cheated, in a way. Also neglected, denied and ignored. For the last two hours it seems that if it could talk it would fuckin scream.

Now I wanna scream. I probably won’t: it’s late, my elderly neighbors are all asleep, and most of all, I’ve become pretty good at suppressing my urges. Instead, I’ll have a cigarette.

Not all human urges are alike. Some, like smoking, are frequent and sometimes present more often than not. Others, like sex, are situational and opportunistic. The former is more like an inkling while the latter is primal, spontaneous and always increasing in waves of intensity, until it crashes.

The urge is different for men and women. It seems as if for men it crashes upon the release of achievement, or the impact of rejection. I’d say something about women’s urges but I don’t know shit about what you ladies are thinking sometimes.

I experienced neither rejection nor permission this morning. No, my experience was sitting in an empty apartment doing nothing at all while my amazing girlfriend had a boring night.

I feel I must clarify my relationship with this girl. I’ve referred to her before as AJ, and she has been a true friend these last two months. I’ve helped her move, met all her friends, and partied with her until the sun came up. She’s friendly and caring yet funny and bitchy to the right people.

I know I like her. That’s pretty fucking obvious as I’m always hanging out with her. This relationship—our friendship—has been better than anything I could’ve hoped it to be. The problem is in moving the relationship forward. I like where things have been so far, but I haven’t broken through the ice concealing our cold friendship out into the warm, intimate relationship possibly waiting for her and I on the other side.

This is going to sound weird, but: I’m scared of leaving the friend zone. Most guys want out when they’re just a small blip on an FZ radar screen moving at two clicks a half-hour, but I feel as if our relationship is expanding towards the boundaries while I’m huddled back trying not to cross the line.

I wanted to do the hokey-pokey all night with her. One limb at a time, in and out, shakin it around…that’s what it’s all about.

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Inconsequential Streetchuck.

It’s 3:34 at night; Screaming calls permeate What was once tranquil. “Squish” as quesadillas spill Onto the pavement One dimly illuminated block east.

Events evidently veer away, Persuasion towards spontaneous Tangents previously unconsidered, Perhaps inconceivable. Place and time dictated By who was there and when they were.

As a stream flows Beating rocks into a smooth oblivion, His life was jagged. Pounding pressure and the chips Broken off, reface the whole.

With chaos brings change, Shuffling routine like cards on the table. Easily questioned yet, Upon decision of inquisition with discernment, Action divides creatively forgoing cynicism.

PRR Day 5: The Exclamation Point.

Friday: After a long night of well-deserved dreamtime I was up at 9:45 and off to work for my second day. Lots of training and reading through policies…tedious yet interesting, to a point. Afterward my family scooped me up for a trip to their new favorite Chinese buffet/Mongolian BBQ, because my family doesn’t eat anywhere there isn’t rows and rows of steamy pans with food, and a salad bar.

While eating I posed my new favorite hypothetical scenario to everybody: You’re in a closed, empty room with no means of escape. In this room with you is your clone, an exact replica of all your knowledge and experiences. This clone will disappear in one hour. Do you fight or fuck?

I was hoping for some diversity in their answers but both of my brothers and parents only wanted to break apart the situation, give their own hypotheses, and postulate upon how narcissistic a person would have to be if they wanted to fuck themselves. Total buzzkill! I wanted a glimpse into their psyches by suggesting a unique, incomparable situation and they just shut it out.

Hah, it doesn’t matter anyway. I left after two plates of well-prepared meats, veggies and pastas and left early so I could see my friend Jen in a one-woman show called Daph! playing at a hole-in-the-wall bar on the tracks running through the town. I’d been cast in another show by the same playwright a couple years ago as Frankenstein’s monster and I’ve come to really admire his work. The show was witty, relevant, and really really funny. It’s about a woman who loves parties, modeling, and drugs. She gets cast as an extra in a local movie, gets busted at her Christmas party, then gives the funniest attempted anti-drug speech to a high school ever…I found myself relating to her in more ways than one :)

After the show I was happy to see some former castmates from a show I recently dropped. They were kind of jealous that I got away, which was great affirmation for me since my departure had been idly gnawing away my perceived honor as an actor. Since those guys are still annoyed at how things are going I felt great about getting out :) I left the bar with a spring in my step, on my way downtown to see some new friends play in a local venue.

I didn’t pay my tab. Naturally I felt awful (be NICE to your server!), so I called up the bar and apologized profusely and asked when a good time to go back and pay was. She said “You want me to swipe your card then?” Shit. I don’t have my debit card…so I say yes and make peace with the $32 dollars in my wallet (MORE than enough anyway). As I walk down the street towards the venue I run into none other than Jake! I seriously run into him EVERY TIME I GO DOWNTOWN, which makes sense because he’s always there. It’s awesome.

We stop by his work so he can get cash and head for The Ballroom. We missed my friend Chrystal (stage name: Sally Switchblade) and the roller derby girls (awwww), but are just in time to see the first opening band of that same group of Jake’s friends from Monday. The first person I recognized in the bar was a new acquaintance I met from this week, and the last person I expected…MY NEW BOSS/MANAGER. It was surreal. He didn’t stay long but it was nice to see each other in real life :P

I stayed to see two full sets from two different bands, both of which were probably the best local bands I’ve ever seen (with the exception of SSLYBY). If you like hillbilly punk, sinning, and The Pixies go find St. Dallas and the Sinners. I liked them so maybe you will too. If you don’t like me then DO WHAT YOU WANT idgaf. *ahem*

If this seems like a long night to you, it was to me, too. At this point it’s about 12:30, and I decide the third band isn’t worth the time so I leave to find Jake (for those of you keeping score, I went to eat at 6:30 or so, and I had 7 beers throughout the night. SEVEN! I’m a pretty lightweight giant) Jake is having a quick sit-down with some more friends at a different show, playing wingman. I get another beer I don’t even finish and we get lots of Sailor Jerry’s temporary tattoos, and last call comes and goes. Perfect timing, since I’ve got a healthy buzz and an empty stomach.

You might say “What? That sounds awful, please don’t drive” and I’d say “I KNOW IT WAS SO I DIDN’T!” There was a hotdog stand right outside the bar, and that guy got a tip for his perfect location. Also for the heat lover’s epic combination of cheese, jalapenos, and a spicy sauce that sounds like Sarachay…I have no idea how to spell correctly. That dog brought me back from puking over a brink.

So this is why downtown is awesome: I used to live there and I know many people that still do. Some are my old roommates and they, like my family and me, are up at strange hours of the night. Now, 2am on Saturday morning isn’t an uncommon waking hour but if I found myself downtown at 3:30am Tuesday they’d probably be awake and just as accommodating.

Not only is everyone awake, but my old roommate Jeff arrives with three friends and we spend another 2 hours chilling and painting miniatures, basically being the cool unashamed nerds we are. By 4:30 everyone’s left to go home, and I decide a brisk walk back downtown will be more than enough to sober me up, so I wish Jeff peace and pass through parks, neighborhoods, parking lots and construction sites to get to my car. Upon returning home I stayed awake hours, mulling over the last week’s experiences and realizing they are the best ever.

I really mean that. I’ve had more fun with so many great people over the last week than I’ve ever had. This is a point in my life where I realize some of life’s necessities and their overall simplicity. Whether it’s just enjoying the company of a friend or downing jello shots between frames at the alley, what really matters the memories and the relationships you create. I can see now that another aspect is strengthening those relationships you already have, which can be a challenging give-and-take sometimes.

I’ve been through some self-realization over the last year or so, and it’s now time for some self-actualization. It’s time to bring to light a certain truth about myself that has stayed hidden away for a long time, noticed by some but many unaware. It’s been hidden, then suppressed by me for a long time, but now I am willing to embrace it, and pull it out from inside myself (DO IT ALREADY).

Here it is: I am bisexual. That’s right. I am sexually attracted to both females and males. I’m 21 years old, born and raised in the Midwest, with a loving family and amazing friends, and this is me coming out of the closet. Well I guess I’m standing in the middle of the closet? That’s a horrible saying.

Oh and to answer that hypothetical I proposed earlier: I’d fuck me. How about you: Fight or Fuck?

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methylin10mg-deactivated2011050 asked: with that hair, and that shirt - OF FUCKING COURSE i will be your friend :)

omg we're like almost the same person because i'm unemployed, i live with my parents, and i'm usually depressed too

except like... i'm black and have a vagina...

anyway, aww you're cute, i like you. i'm glad my blog entertained you. =D

Oh shit I don’t have that haircut anymore. Well it’s close. I could make it work. You’d probably think that’s the coolest shirt I own, unless you like guys in t-shirts (I’m that guy all the time unless I’m trying to be cool(I am not always cool))

Well uhm I cheered up a little because I got a job, also friends beer weed. still with my family though. I love them but I don’t want to be around them so much, ya know? maybe so, maybe no.

Sorry for taking so long to say something. Your awesomeness is kinda intimidating :)

Hey why is your last photo so sexy sad? It’s all fuck life a million times…let’s get high or something

jacobkevin asked: Howdy howdy. You like nifty stuff. Followed.
I'm Jake, nice to meetcha.

The pleasure’s mine, man. Your shit is rad…I skipped to page 47 and found llamas, a Disney movie I’ve never heard of, and some guy trying to swim in a club with a glo stick. On a different page: Patrick wit swag and you holding a gigantic bud. If I didn’t have work to do I’d spend the next half-hour goin through all your shit, I dig it. All that AND you live in KC, soooo I pretty much HAVE to follow you back due to hometown envy.

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PRR Day 4: Return Home, Sleep Later

Thursday: On my way back I noticed that time had happened faster than I meant it to. I left at midnight towards home, and my first day of work started at 10am. I needed more caffeine, plus some sweet and salty. You know how they say the return trip home is faster than the first trip up? That may be true when your route is the same going both ways, but I recommend traveling in a circular, roundabout way. It all seems fresh and unfamiliar, and you don’t feel like your exciting travel time was robbed away. I also recommend listening to punk rock or ska while traveling.

Sometime early on the trip I put a random CD into my player that just happened to be Goldfingers’ self-titled. I was rocking and dancing in the seat for HOURS! I heard Miles Away back in the early 00’s or around that time, but that was the only familiar song I knew on the album. The rest were head-banging trumpet-playing high-tempo GEMSTONES OF BRILLIANCE THAT BLASTED MY EARS THE ENTIRE TRIP. I listened to it almost 10 times that day, and I am not exaggerating. It was fucking awesome.

I arrived at my house at about 4 or 4:30, after eating Taco Bell and anticipating a larger and angrier reaction to my reappearance. Since nobody was awake (that’s actually slightly unusual…my family keeps weird hours), I played around the internet until I needed to work. When we finally talked they were confused and a little pissed, but not like I expected. My little brother texted me earlier in the day to say they were freaking out that I was gone, since they were just waking up that must be why they were so calm. Plus I had to be at work, so I couldn’t talk long enough to get them energized and upset (as it usually goes).

I downed a Monster on my way to work, hoping a caffeine crash wouldn’t hit me in the face (it did). Since it was my first day I wanted to make a good impression, but the only thing I can do is train. On the computer. So I’m STILL stuck in front of a screen for another 7 or 8 hours and my consciousness couldn’t take it. Lunch was amazing since I went to a restaurant where my friend worked and is really perky and cool…afterward I was re-reading pages and doing the sleep-deprived head-bob. It was awful. At 4:30 or so, after I came out of the bathroom drenched in water from the sink, my new boss said to sign out and go home for the day. He instructed me to restart the computer before I left, because “Restarting helps to keep everything running smoothly and quickly.”

I totally think he knew I was strung out. But I didn’t care, sleep was my goal and as soon as I got home I pounded Z’s into my pillow like Zorro. I slept for 15-16 hours!!! It was perfect.

PRR Day 3: The Journey and Reunion

Wednesday: I didn’t it make it to Adam’s until 6:30pm. It took me hours to get to Kansas City, and when I got there I had to sign some forms for my job that required a computer with internet access, and charge my phone.

In fact, the trip up was the least productive I’ve ever been. Even with GPS-tracking available on my iPhone I was winding down so many unnecessary roads, missing turns onto more effective routes, simply because I was too high to notice or care. After each mistake I simply smiled, refreshed my GPS and drove ahead. I stopped a couple times on the way and received a call from my new boss saying I needed to e-sign multiple forms online if I wanted to work the next day. Considering my lack of employment since late last year, I realized I’d need to find someplace with a computer to sit down and focus. Although I’m sure Adam had one I could have used, I wasn’t positive (nor did he know I was in town), so I turned my ass towards the public library.

Those librarians are incredibly helpful! They’ll let you on a computer for a couple hours, at least, and re-explain that people without library cards are guests and should sign on as one. I was able to read and sign the forms without any gigantic problems and finished a phone questionnaire with like, 3% power until my phone battery quit. Since I wasn’t expecting to be so far from home and in need of one bitch of a charge cable it happened to be a popular one, easily found. The problem was that I couldn’t use my phone to find what I needed, so I turned to the old-fashioned way: asking for directions.

The scariest memory of my childhood was when I wasn’t more than 7 or 8, and my family went to a theme park in Branson, Missouri in the summer. On our way to a roller coaster, food stand, bathroom or whatever, I realized I was in the middle of a swarming crowd of people with nobody recognizable in sight. My family had vanished, so I froze in anxious, terrifying shock and staring in all directions for familiar faces. The moment didn’t last long until I saw my dad searching over the crowd, but that feeling of fear was intense.

Getting lost on your own in an unfamiliar city isn’t nearly as traumatizing, but it is frustrating. In Branson I had my parents to look for me once they realized I wasn’t nearby, but in Kansas City I was on the hunt alone and without aid. I stopped into 4 or 5 different gas stations asking for a Wal-Mart, and I either kept messing them up or they were faulty from the beginning. A couple of them mixed up North and South, or maybe I couldn’t find the right road. The frustration seemed extended past my experience, like my fear in the crowd seemed to last so long, as if I would never get found or find what I needed. In a way, that was how my entire trip felt at this point too, like my purpose was undefined and I wasn’t sure I could find it.

It took a couple hours but I finally found a Wal-Mart, picked up a new cord, and recharged my phone at a library right across the street. I sent Adam a message saying I was in town, and talked to him while I ate at McDonald’s. He was cool with the surprise, even sacrificing a cheap ticket to a cabaret show for us to hang out. We talked, joked and toked for a few hours watching That 70’s Show, and at midnight I left. It was exactly the reunion I hoped to have, and while he was probably confused to see me there it didn’t matter.

See, Adam and I used to smoke at all hours together, since I was rooming with his friends and I always share my weed. Like all relationships, we shared moments of peaceful silence and moments of awkward silence. What is relaxing for one can be uncomfortable for another, yet if nobody mentions anything it goes unnoticed. One night Adam posed a question that turned me to an uneasy silence, yet while I remember the moment clearly he has no recollection of its occurrence. I’ve thought about that night more than a few times since, trying to realize why things did or didn’t happen, and it’s likely a major contributing factor to my spur-of-the-moment journey. Conversely, Adam doesn’t remember anything happening and therefore he hasn’t since thought about it. Whatever.

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PRR: Day 2 and The Decision

Tuesday: I slept resolutely and consistently from about 5am to 6:30pm, and I didn’t talk much. All the conversation, loud music and cigarettes made me sound worn out and hoarse, and I wanted to eat more than anything else. My family had been up for four or five hours already and taken their Tae Kwon Do class, and my parents wanted food also.

Both of my parents have a unique job history including clowning, entertainment, telemarketing and cooking. Since they were chefs they can cook pretty much anything they want to with varying results, from amazing to average. This is a skill I have yet to acquire, which I learned while living at my old apartment preparing sandwiches, ramen, frozen dinners and pizza-dillas. So I observed and participated in the assembly and creation of a simple yet hearty dish of cabbage, salsa and various spices with beef. I have always loved pasta but if you’re looking for no carbs and realize you don’t eat vegetables (as so many do), cabbage can kick spaghetti in its gooey noodly face.

So now everybody knows what I ate for breakfast March 22nd at about 10pm. I suppose it seems strange and irrelevant for you to know that, and I’m not sure why I mentioned it except to explain that was the last moment I saw/talked to any of them until Thursday morning at 4am. We were calm and happy, and it’s the sort of moment I want to remember because it was so peaceful and accepting. When a family works together with common ground it can be a strong, inspirational thing, and I feel that many of our moments are shaky or absent recently. I love them all to pieces, anyway.

Wednesday: I let my parents know I’d be at Jake’s place with AJ, so they should expect me late, and went out the door soon after eating. I omitted the fact that we would be smoking marijuana I was about to purchase, a fact that normally causes them to overreact. I made the pickup and traveled downtown with a bong and a card game in the backseat (both were unnecessary). The hours afterward were spent listening to Sublime, The Ramones, Alkaline Trio and Against Me! while Jake created and showed off wrestling characters. Everybody got high, joked around, and just chilled, dudes. It was the middle of Jake’s workweek, and AJ was still recovering from Monday night, so the energy was low yet peaceful. At 3am or so I packed it all up and moved on to let them sleep.

While they were closing for business I wanted to open up shop. The roads are empty and I had a full day ahead without responsibility. I drove onto the road and pointed it towards my house. As my street loomed nearer I stared down at its mouth and coasted by, resolutely and excitedly, without dread or regret.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been times where I don’t want to go home, plus times when a late-night aimless drive just seemed appropriate. Both feelings explain the decision but there was something more I can’t describe. It was a craving, an urge to get lost, to pick a direction and go as far as possible, to escape, yet I knew not my prison, or why the familiarity was suddenly repulsive. Regardless of the reason, I wandered around uptown and in small towns with houses made of ticky-tacky, listening to music and smoking different plants. About 45 minutes later I pick a destination: Kansas City, where my old friend and smoking buddy Adam lives with his daughter and girlfriend.

I stop at a gas station to fill up and my dad calls me, asking what I’m doing. I told him I was spending the night over at Jake’s, watching a movie, and I’d be back Wednesday morning. This, was a false statement, and I should have told SOMEbody about my random road trip, but I was scared to tell my dad. I don’t know why and I suspect it’s related to that vague feeling I had while deciding not to return that night, I just know I didn’t want to hear his reaction. He would want to know why and there was nothing I could have said.

After I hung up I bought some caffeine for the trip and some gas for the road, found some music and was on the way to KC, only thinking about how cool it was gonna be to see Adam.

PRR: Day 1 - The Wind-Up

MONDAY: I awoke mid-afternoon with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Due to spring, a little dust in the air and CAT HAIR EVERYWHERE I was full of fuckin snot oozing from all face-holes. Around 5:30 I visit my family’s Tae Kwon Do school and work up a good sweat. My good friend Jake texts me afterward, inviting me out with the cool kids. This was excellence in timing, disguised as option two. The first was karaoke at a small bar by a creek with maybe a couple of my cast-mates from our most recent show. The last couple of Mondays I’d join them a little late, sing and drink for a few, and bring it back to base. I blew my nose at option one and told Jake I’d be there.

Jake and I are cool, we haven’t known each other longer than a year but he knows to do that which he enjoys, a trait I admire. We share certain passions which dominate our conversations: music, drinking, and girls. Jake = Punk+Nerd+White Trash. The equation defines his tastes and his appearance exactly, and it is why he kicks ass. Jake would be the only person I had met prior to that night. The other 9-12 were his musician, drinking, and homie buddies.

We meet at 10:15pm, and as I walk into the alley I pause like I hear my name, yet progress until Jake shouts “Hey that was meant for you!” (I don’t pay attention sometimes in life. When people are shouting my name, that’s an example) Jake introduces me to AJ, a friend he’s had since childhood. AJ is short and sweet with a bite, like candy with a cinnamon coat. I liked her instantly, and it didn’t take long for us to connect. Together we walk inside, meet the group already present, order some drinks and prepare to bowl.

If you read the prelude you know I have never bowled while drinking before this night. You should also know that I have bowled over one hundred points only twice before, and I have never bowled as much as I did my junior year of high school, in the spring of 2007. Therefore when I say my average for two games was about 78 points it shouldn’t come as a surprise. In fact, I fouled the first two frames and had at least 10 gutterballs. None of this matters.

It wasn’t about the games, it was about the bonds between Jake’s tight-knit merry group of friends. It was about videogame talk with Vimo, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with AJ, and cars with Josh, and spelunking/caving with Chrystal, and music with everybody, and it was also about jell-o shots.

By 1am nobody wants to bowl anymore because whoever has whatever in the morning and fuck shit we gotta get going. Anybody unwilling to let the fun die (read: Jake, AJ, Josh, John, Chrystal and I) decided to continue the celebration at John’s abode. After a quick trip to get Chrystal’s car back safely and more music talk concerning the gigs everybody’s playing Friday, we pulled into John’s about 1:30am, slid around his kitchen table and began a drinking game to pound through 30 Key Lights.

Best game ever. Nothing else needs to be said.

We made it about halfway through before relocating back outside for a lot of nicotine, and a great conversation with AJ and Brittany (John’s roommate) about road trips to various locations for multiple silly reasons. This conversation effected me in ways I still cannot describe, and probably can’t even understand. It lodged itself in my head and I’m not even sure I knew it was there. So cool.

At 4am our gathering is drawing to a close. Goodbye’s and Drive-safe’s are exchanged and we the sinners disburse to recuperate and prepare for our personal misdeeds the next day. Though I traveled home weary I was happy to be in the company of fun and interesting people, and I stayed up into the early morning enjoying my contentedness. Little did I know how much content in that small window of time would increase dramatically, and spontaneously.

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